Mental stress and millennials. 1
THE CAGED CHILDHOOD :
Root cause: Judgement
"You do not define a problem, your problems ( the way you face them) define you." SB
This question made me ponder and arrive at a conclusion.I think the root cause is judgement.
A baby is happy after her basic needs like hunger, sleep are met and she smiles happily till we make her judge. Constantly we say this is right that is wrong, this is better that is worse, this is good that is bad. It is not just moral values of right and wrong. Needless, constant, automatic Judging soon becomes a way of life.
Who decides right and wrong?
The Ghost of society?
If you cover a new born baby with silk cloth, if she doesn't like it, she kicks it off or pisses off and laughs. This careless freedom is lost when the same baby is 5 year old. She can't do the same anymore though it is the same person. Her act does not harm any other person. Yet the five year old cannot even wear her frock a little up or a little down. Any deviation from norm by self-will is punished harshly without giving any reason.
In fact there is no reason.
psychology clearly says that any act of suppression creates heavy mental stress which in turn adversely shows on the body. There is mind-body connect.
The left handed children when forced to write with right hand, turned stammering or slow learning or dyslexic. The stress starts mounting inside the voiceless child. As the child grows into adulthood the problem becomes stupendous and really serious.
Ironically, the ability to judge is praised and promoted as a virtue while it is infact a cruel curse.
It makes one compare.
To compare not only between one act to another, one thing to another but also between one person to another. Thus an unhealthy competition between different things and different individuals begins. You are made to think that some are better than the others. Inequality is introduced. Nobody wants to be lesser, so the mad rush and running starts to become more equal than others.
Now, everybody can't be the first or the best but foolishly everybody starts running to become first or best. The lucky one among the thousand reaches first while the rest 999 become depressed as they could not be the first.
They keep running madly like a carrot hanging in front of a donkey, never stopping to ask what is so great in being the best or first.
Society invented grades, ranks, marks and awards to constantly promote and press this comparison and competition, constantly increasing this mental stress. This is the root cause of depression.
4 logical aspects are overlooked in such a rat race for being the best.
A person very good at one thing say playing cricket cannot be good at another, say cooking. It is impossible for any human being to be good at everything. Even Da Vinci was not a great dancer or cook.
So the best is very limited.
A person very good today at one thing say running or body beauty will not be so after 10 years. So the best is very temporary.
You mostly depend on an outer group's judging ( example: Nobel prize) and sheepishly follow. Alternatively, you depend on your subjective judgement -if a person is nice to you or impressed you somehow you judge him as best, no matter what the truth is. So the best is a matter of others' opinion or your own coloured bias, not truth.
It's not that only the top performer in the task is required always. You don't need a race winning horse for your buggy. Winning horses are often killed. So best is only ego booster but not necessary.
The worst is when the gun of judgement is turned on yourself.
Since the very influenceable childhood, you are brainwashed or forced to constantly run-
1. to get best grades
2. to learn this and that as many hobbies or earn as many credits as possible
3. to get into best schools and colleges
4. to get into the best companies for work etc.
Why?
You are pushed ruthlessly by saying "this is good for you". Better, better, more more. No limits.
All this will leave you no time for yourself, nor for your inborn likings. It is constantly pushing the extra anxiety and mental stress on you.
You are made to compete with yourself which is most awful. It's against nature.
The constant self improvement is projected as good (for whom?). Think. It is actually constant self stress that is bad (for you).
Success is projected as necessary for happiness. It's not true. You are not given time to reflect or ask questions like:
Why can't you be as you are?
'come out of your comfort zone', why?
A fish is comfortable in water. Why should it come out 'to be stronger'? Why should it try to fly because some guys said it's a higher pursuit?
Why do you need world's validation?
Why do you keep the key to your happiness in somebody else's pocket ?
Why do you need judging and need to find heros? What is wrong with failures and averageness?
What is achievement and who decides it?
Why do you need to make your face like an ideal or best face and torture it or wear a mask?
Why not instead find a person who admires your face as it is? The mask will wear off sooner anyway.
Why do you feel low if you don't know something, say Latin? Nobody knows all.
Why do you feel bad if you are black ? Or short?
(I like black, short people.)
Who decided white is beautiful? Or who says you are not attractive? It's just an assumption, giving too much needless importance to what others may like or go by the parameters decided by people somewhere.
Who cares?
It's constantly drilled into your head by everybody that " it's a competitive world. If you don't push yourself hard, you will get nowhere in life." A big horrendous myth!
It's like a stampede of rush which kills all the joy out of life if not physically making you mental wreck. Even when you reach your assumed goal, you are so dead tired to enjoy it.
Is that your real aim of life?
Just ask anybody. The highest honour on earth is the Nobel prize, right? How many Nobel prize winner names can you or others recollect? It's just momentary false glory. Most of the world population don't know, and don't care.
Read 'The Prize' novel by Irving Wallace and you will never want a Nobel prize!
This submission to the ghost and to outer dictates erodes your self-will, self-confidence and causes depression.
Mental stress and millennials -2
THE GROWTH AS PANDEMIC:
Root cause: media addiction and keeping the key to your happiness in others pockets.
...Elite daily
Let's now turn to the adulthood depression which is most prevalent today especially in India. This is the childhood problem now compounded by growth of physical needs which didn't exist earlier:
a)Insecurity of facing the risky outer World after college, leaving the familial security of home and bearing the burden of life responsibilities.
b) The torturous dichotomy between the traditional morality with restrictions on love and sex at home /college versus the liberalism of western world which is bombarded by press, film / digital new media through all-pervading cell phones and laptops. Western culture is perceived as modern. Thus it raises a terrible Confusion between tradition and modernity.
c) Last but perhaps the most important- the insecurity of relationships. Fear of making commitment and terrible fear of lack of commitment from others.
I am not a psychoanalyst and I will not go into clinical cases and multiple reasons such as parenting, nuclear families, abusive childhood, social oppression and so on. Based on my experience with young adults, let me limit myself to mental stress due to insecurity of relationships.
The long nurtured attitude of judgement also installs in every body the false notion that everything is cause and effect. This is a myth in human relations.
Love and affection are emotions and emotions are not rational. If a Man loves a girl because she is beautiful, after a couple of years she ages or puts on weight, the love vanishes. If a girl loves a boy because he is good at singing, after a time somehow his voice fails, all love vanishes. It's not different from loving someone because he is rich or because he is in power or because he is knowledgeable etc. This is not real love but just attraction falsely thought as love.
Many young people get carried away by a particular talent or sweet talk of the other and get trapped in a relationship or marriage. This is the cause of many breakups and divorces.
We must not forget that real love is:
1.Unconditional (not a mutual agreement)
2. Enduring commitment (not temporary/casual)
3.Non-rational (has no reason or cause )
4. Non-reciprocal ( though it's ideal. You may love but the other person may not necessarily reciprocate)
5. Non-egoistic, raises much above insults (total acceptance of the other). This is depicted in the touching scene in Kuchipudi dance drama where Satyabhama kicks Krishna on the head.
6. physical union is an expression of love. (It will not make the other love you.)
The insecurity of relationships finds comfort in a kind of masochistic self denial and self depreciation, blaming self for every bad thing happening around, exaggerating every small imperfection of yours as the worst in the world.
Such " self-depreciation" automatically raises "other-glorification". Even a little virtue in those in contact is exaggerated vastly and termed as "the best in the world" or "prodigy" or "genius".
The converse effect is that it will make people who are closer /genuinely love you being taken for granted or even treat them with distrust. " I am ugly. I should be hated. Why is he/she loving me?" You can't find a reason because true love/affection is without a reason. Every judgement is a subjective opinion and there is no universal yardstick. Your self-doubt makes you doubt even the honest praise. Mistrust/emotional distancing develops and affects the relationship eventually.
Remember the famous story, a satire on human nature, "The accursed house" by French writer Emile Gaboriau where the grace of the landlord waiving the rent was misunderstood.
The insecurity also makes you hang on desperately to those few people you have some rappo even if it is clear that those few are dominating you or using you like a doormat. you are afraid terribly of losing even that little solace. You have no confidence in making new friends or relations to be able to discard such exploiting and uncaring old ones. This also causes mental stress.
Intellectually bright young people who think a lot are prone to mental illness. You are encouraged to project and think "I am going to be the most successful and liked person." But deep inside, the memory of negative experiences makes you doubtful. So you think "I am actually a complete and utter failure and everyone always hates me." You feel guilty of disappointing the others' expectations though you never promised them anything. Simultaneously you think, "my friend is a genius, there is nobody like him."
In each case the polarised outcomes are extremes. All or nothing, best or worst, extremely over simplified and emotionally charged negativity or positivity.
Neither is accurate. It's dangerous absolutism.
The truth is that life is neither black nor white but grey and possibilities exist. You aggrandize (others) or depreciate (self) in accordance with your fluctuating emotions. Bipolar disorder sets in. This dichotomous over thinking is the culprit..
Neither overthinking nor under-thinking is good for your mental health. It's Buddha's middle path, moderation in everything, some time high, some time low. Just go with the flow.
There are some very practical reasons causing and multiplying depression:
The internet attractions make you not sleep enough and nor exercise enough. (overdose)
The glorified Workaholism ("the more I work, more I will be appreciated/ liked") makes you not rest enough.
The false, "fair slim" body-complex makes you not eat enough.(extreme case is leading to anorexia)
Junk foods deprive your body the much needed nourishment for DOPAMINE, the most important chemical in the brain.
So you feel tired all the time, no focus and no zest for life. Your libido also will be low. You feel like dying. That's what makes you cry for no reason.
A look at our notion of aesthetics is necessary at this point. Western thinkers have put too much emphasis on formal, surface beauty. This is very limited and false. Eastern thinkers viewed aesthetics in a holistic way, treating Form as only a part of the whole.
A girl is beautiful because of her personality and not just because of dress, makeup, facial or body beauty which are very short lived.
The comparison, troubling many young girls today, ("I am not good looking") is absurd. All flowers are beautiful though different. I may prefer jasmine, you may prefer rose, but that does not mean jasmine is higher than the rose. How is it different with human beings?
The ranking, drilled into all by the media, is rubbish. All human beings are beautiful, each in her/his own way. The ranking is foolish and subjective.
Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder.
Beauty depends on the amount of love.
If a man loves a woman, he finds her beautiful.
Beauty is a)holistic and b)depends on the degree of others' love.
I always maintained that "believing is seeing", not the other way round. You see what you believe it to be. In Sanskrit, "yato drishtih, Tato shrishtih."
Quietness is another complex. In the increasingly aggressive, loud world, the quiet people are a minority and suffer a guilt complex. In fact there is nothing wrong with being quiet. But others may wrongly perceive this as lacking confidence, shyness or high brow attitude. None of these are true.
Quiet people are strong in spirit. They are usually more creative because quietness is required for creativity. Most others are afraid of silence and therefore chatter. They are thus afraid of quiet people and run away from them. This should not be misunderstood as most people don't like you.
I like Zen which focuses on the beauty of silence (zen music), empty space (zen gardens) and blankness (zen Calligraphy).
Mental stress is more prevalent in intellectually brighter, knowledge rich people than others. It's because they think much more and their emotional intelligence is comparatively less. The phrase "ignorance is bliss" applies here.
Mental stress and millenials - 3
TOWARDS A SOLUTION: Just be and adaptable
My purpose in writing this article is to make everyone aware of what is causing their mental stress. Awareness, I believe, is half the solution.
The other half of the solution is to do something about it.Here are 18 very simple ways that can be done by yourself.
:
1.Do not judge anybody, especially do not be critical of yourself. Liking is personal taste. There's no high or low.
2.Do not try to change.Be as you are. Be with people who like you as you are and cut out all others who would want you to change or improve. Focus on self rather than the outside world.
3. Do not try to be best in anything or do not admire people who are best in something. It is nonsense created by the ego. Avoid all comparison, with one to another or one to yourself or yourself to self.
4. Do not let the world or social media or friends dictate what you should do or look like. Do what you enjoy, look as you feel like, giving a damn to anybody except yourself. Don't try to impress any.
5.Do not desperately hang on to a friendship or one sided relation which makes you vulnerable and exploited. If there is no trust or if there's just indifference from the other, have the courage to drop it . Time will heal the hurt.
6. Do not self depreciate. Trust those who appreciate you genuinely and befriend them always.The test of a genuine relation is this.
He or she is there with you not whenever he/she wants but whenever you need him or her and gives you enough time and respect. He/she is there in your high and low, especially in low, stretching the hand when you fall, while others don't even know that you fell. He/she will not mind your insults.
If you don't know whom to trust and whom not, time is a good testing device.
7.Do not try the escape route by getting into addictions like drinking, drugs, smoking etc. Watch out, they eventually will ruin you. Even mobile phones, TV and the internet could be addictions.
8.You do not need to see a counselor or doctor as long as you have at least one trusted old friend or relative with whom you can be open to share and cry over his or her shoulder, without any fear of being judged, underrated, not keeping privacy or being harmed in any manner. Just to hear you out. No advice needed. It will have a purging and cleansing effect.
9. You do not need drugs or therapy either in most cases. Full time occupation is the best therapy especially if it is creative occupation and not demanding much guidance or much structure. It could be bathroom-singing,writing,stitching,sketching, cooking, painting, reading, going to exhibitions, hobbies like stamp or coin collection etc. Artist Jatin Das has a lovely hand-fan collection. Charles Eames had a pebble collection. Your madness is your genius. Any diversion is a stress buster.
10. There is nothing wrong with talking to yourself, muttering or writing to yourself through a private journal. After a while you can destroy it. Free expression is therapeutic too. Take out your frustration with 'fu**' words or kicking the poor cat. No need to feel guilty.
11. Avoid social media as much as possible or keep it minimal. Do not expose yourself and become a victim of powerful negative brainwashing by all pervading social media such as "blue whale" and "fight club". Getting bashed up will not make you stronger nor will it give meaning to life. So is with death-wish. It is nihilism and self destructive.
12. Know that you are not the only cursed one. Like the "emperor's clothes" everyone is depressed but doesn't admit it. Boys too are. So you are normal, get on with life without giving any undue importance to your depression. People with epilepsy go through fits but later they forget it like a nightmare and go on cheerfully with life.
Cry when you feel like but no need to feel bad about it or ashamed of.
13. Just let it be. Accept things as they come to you. Want what lovingly comes to you than wanting a thing which alludes to you. Never feel guilty of anything. Things happen.
Be what you are, do what you feel like, nothing else matters. Don't be super sensitive.
14. Nourish your dopamine by eating/drinking:
a)sugar
b)bananas
c)almonds
d)tea.not coffee
e)protinex
f)vitamin tabs
g) magnesium tabs
15. And by doing
a)walk, cycle, yoga or any exercise
b) keep strict unchanging daily routine
c) adequate relaxation. Workaholism is in fact justification of inefficiency. It's not productive and it kills self. Don't be afraid of ' not doing anything' taboo. Isn't meditation just that?
d) Daily 7-8 hours of good sleep.(remember. It's catch-22. Depression causes sleeplessness, sleeplessness causes depression and...so on. You need to reverse it by inducing sleep by taking a warm water bath or drinking warm water or reading a cheerful book or soothing music before going to bed. The worst is falling off on your work, dead tired)
16.a) A regular conversation with a trusted person will rejuvenate you. A conversation has no reason, no agenda, no goal. Talk about anything as long as you enjoy it.
b)Soothing through memes which are humour in dark times. Just an expression of your day-to-day struggle to make others aware.
c)There are also ' mental health issues support groups' if needed. But they can't be substituted for professional help which is unavoidable depending on the severity of your mental stress.
17. Keep some object of love - a pet (puppy, cat, bird,fish), a little baby or a potted plant. Taking care of it, watching it grow, keeps your stress go.
18. As far as possible, be with your family, caring old friends and familiar surroundings which assure you mental ease.
Inner loneliness, emptiness, no-one to share, drives you to become psychopath. (See Film "Ingrid goes west")
I know all this is not as easy as said but one has to always try and negotiate the world around. That's the only way."if you don't get what you want, want what you get".
Summary:
Just be.
Do not try to be first, best, smart, fast, beautiful, knowledgeable nor talented. It's rubbish. Don't glorify work.
You are a fallible human being.
You are unique like everyone else. You have mental problems like most. Don't feel lonely for no one is liked by all. Stick to those few, even one person likes you. Don't feel empty. Do whatever, to fulfill life, Ignoring the world applause or jeer.
Be adaptable to change. Patience shows truth.
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