Freedom from Mental Problems

(Prologue: In 2019, few months after I left DJ Academy of Design; almost all the students, walked all the way to my house to pay respects and talk to me. It was a moment I shall never forget in my life, as we talked sitting on the floor of terrace till late night. I dedicate this article as a token of my love to all of them!)

Let us start by looking at some real life incidents which establish the mind-body relationship.

Case 1: Readers Digest Report – 1985

In Germany, in a beautiful farm house near Budapest lived a small family: A teen age graduate girl and her parents. The father was a painter. Then one day the mother died and the father and daughter continued staying. The house was absolutely safe and secure and they had a hunter dog to guard.

After few months, a shocking incident happened.

Early morning the girl drove to the nearest police station, in a battered condition, with grave body injuries and complained that her father got drunk and repeatedly beaten and raped her. The police, on circumstantial evidence arrested the father and put him in Jail. The father denied the charge. But there was no way a third person could enter the house. A search of the house and a thorough medical examination of the girl, were held.

The medical report stated that there was no rape and the injuries were self inflicted.

The girl swore that she had no enmity with father and she was indeed raped by him. She gave many details of the act. Re-examination by another medical team confirmed the previous report. Lie detectors confirmed that she was not lying. What happened then?

Case 2: Medical Report – 1982

Padmini was pregnant with her first child. We took her to Doctor Anklesaria, the best gynecologist in Ahmadabad. After examining her he said that there was a big, healthy baby inside. Padmini said she would like to have natural delivery and not caesarian operation. Doctor Anklesaria laughed and answered that considering her small stature, small vaginal opening and the large size of the baby; it was absolutely impossible. God made her like that. But Padmini was adamant. The doctor emphatically said that no doctor on earth can do it.

We went to Bombay and showed Padmini to several expert doctors. All had confirmed Anklesaria’s report. But Padmini was hell bent on natural delivery.

Finally an old doctor Mehta pacified her saying that he would try his best to fulfill her wish but she should leave the final decision to him as a medical professional. Padmini agreed.

Padmini had labor pain few days before due date, but it was natural delivery! A healthy baby Sourabh was born. All doctors including Anklesaria could not believe this. How was this possible?

Case 3: Newspaper Report – 1972

In Kerala, a poor fisherman went at night to steal fish from a fenced pond and caught many fish manually. What he did not know was that he also caught a poisonous water snake, mistaking it to be an eel. The snake bit him but he thought it was a crab. He went home, slept soundly till late morning when his wife woke him up. He found the snake in the closed basket and realized that he was bitten by a deadly snake. Within minutes, the poison spread in his body and he died. Why did the poison not work for so many hours and suddenly did?

Case 4:

I fast every Saturday and will not touch any food at all.  On all other days I feel hungry and eat sumptuously but on Saturdays I will not feel hungry at all. How is this so?

Case 5:

Science confirms that a non-medical pill called “placebo” is administered saying it is the last word in the treatment of incurable diseases. It is a lie but in most cases it cures. How is it possible?

Only one answer. Subconscious mind! Thinking has tremendous power and influence over the body. Sexual thoughts cause erection; fear of a danger cause sweating or urination; thoughts of favorite food cause mouth watering and so on.

I have experienced that if I have to wake up to catch a flight at any time at night, I tell my mind clearly before going to sleep when I should wake up and it always works. It is common experience with many other people.

Based on my experience, I offer three types of freedom practices to get rid of mental problems:

1.      Freedom from Covering Up

Given the realities of social media and isolation, some degree of mental problem is common in all people. Some psychologists say that mental depression has become “addiction” and “fashionable”. Any addiction is harmful. One must realise this and should not feel self pity or seek pity.

 

Like the “emperor clothes” story, everybody is mentally ill but covering it up. The unexpressed emotion ferments inside and turns into psychosomatic illness such as insomnia, head ache, rash, fever or over tiredness, etc.  If you are afraid to talk to someone else, talk to yourself, write on a piece of paper (destroy later); sketch, paint, play music, or do anything. Any expression is theraptic. I de-stress myself by cooking sketching, writing or binding books. Of course, if the illness is severe; you should take treatment like any physical illness.

 

2.      Freedom from Inadequacy

The main reason of mental illness is “I am not up to the mark” feeling. There is nothing like a mark. It’s just media myth. Ignore it. Refuse comparison firmly. Dalai Lama could retain his wonderful smile always because he refuses to compare; smilingly. Everything, everybody is good, in their own way, Unique in their own way. Everybody is liked by somebody; nobody is liked by everybody. Dalailama also never talks of his beauty, his wealth or his super intelligence because these are superficial. Why should we give them too much importance, just because of media hype? Your name and my name are different but it does not mean your name is better than mine. Comparisons are silly and meaningless. We all know that “Beauty is in the eyes of beholder”. Don’t be a slave to social media which is deciding that for you. Why should media tell you how you should look, how you should talk, what you should eat, how you should live and so on. It is unfair on you.

 

3.      Freedom from Truth

This is hard to digest but all the five case studies I cited at the beginning prove this.

Hide truth or go beyond it. Tell your mind so strongly and affirmatively what you “want” and the mind will miraculously make it come true through your body. Placebo is a lie but the mind does not know, so works on the belief that it cures.

 

We don’t realize it but we are constantly giving auto suggestions to our mind. Our subconscious mind is our powerful servant which tries to mould you to suite whatever strong command it receives repeatedly. If a child is scolded repeatedly by her uncle that she is clumsy, her mind makes sure that she becomes clumsy; even if she is originally not.

 

Even after many years, when she is going on a bicycle, her mind reminds her that she is clumsy and make sure that she falls or she cuts her hand while cutting onions which is a simple job. You see, her mind is trying to follow her command given some time ago. “I am clumsy, as my uncle said”. The mind is programmed and will keep doing it till she consciously; strongly changes it. But if she tries to run away with “I will not ride bicycle again” she is enforcing the command; “Yes. I am clumsy”.

 

A girl dominated in childhood by someone grows up to invite predatory behavior in people around her. She is the willing sucker. In group work she works the hardest, even takes pain but finally let some others take credit. In her heart she feels bad but her mind is forcing her “free will” to get dominated. Our mind is creature of habit; even if it is hurting habit.

 

Over - admiring your friend as “gifted/best” is a comparison and has a danger of telling yourself “but in comparison I am a total shit” and the poor mind tries to make your wish come true. Anything over done is negative and has influence on subconscious. This should not be misunderstood as advising arrogance. Praising yourself publicly is arrogance but praising yourself internally is confidence.

 

 I used to wear glasses in my late forties but I hated this extra gadget stuck on my face all the time. I very strongly and crazily wished to have “eye sight without glasses”. A book by that name gave me the confidence to even wish so. Many times we are afraid to wish because it was never done, it was not truth. Our knowledge is pre-conditioning our mind.

 

But if you strongly tell and repeat even a lie and the subconscious mind makes it truth. Mohammed Ali shouted publicly “I am the greatest” and his mind made him so.  My biological age presently is 76; but I can read, write (I read & write a lot) and see without glasses! My doctor does not believe it; but it is TRUE. I told my mind that I want to read without glasses. Do you need further proof than this?!

 

So praise yourself and know that if someone is praising you, he/she is doing good to you in building your mind and body. All the Hindu ‘stotrams’ are nothing but praise of God. Even if it is a lie, accept it as long as there is no vicious motive. Your mind will work on it to make it true.

 

According to Dr.Bruce Lipton: Mind is the primary cause of illness on this planet. A gene is just a blue print but the reading of the blue print is done by electric impulses called thought. Human body is made of 50 trillion cells each carrying 1.4 volts of electricity. Since your mind is the government of your thoughts, it can change your biology. Since thoughts can be negative or positive, it is your belief that (ultimately) controls your body. If someone tells you that you are ill and you believe it, you become ill and vice versa. In Placebo effect, it is not the pill but your own positive thought that makes the body heal.

To sum up:

Mental illness is not a big deal, you are second to none, and you are phenomenal!

(Written on Teachers Day, 05.09.2020)

 

DEATH OF MY FATHER

 

(Photo Courtesy: Joginder Panghal)

I was hardly five year old then. Just started going to school in torn half pants. No shirt, no shoes, no books, just a slate and a running nose.

My mother was pregnant, due to deliver any time.

Like many good farmers, my father had the habit of getting up at early dawn, with cocks crow and walk to our rice fields and check the water flow in the canal, damage done by wild animals and growth of the crop. I sometimes used to accompany him to enjoy the cool breeze, sitting on his shoulders. But on that particular day I did not get up in time. I slept with him at night but woke up only to find his side empty and felt disappointed a little.  Little did I know that this disappointment is going to be a permanent one.

Ours was a joint family of 16 members and as the dawn approached everybody went about busy with one’s own duties.

I brushed near the bushes in the backyard and about to go for an open bath at the big clay water tub, when I heard a commotion and ran to the front door to see, half wrapped in my little towel.

What I saw shocked me!

Four neighbor farmers rushed in carrying my father on their shoulders. He was unconscious. He was laid down on a cot in the verandah and my uncle sent people on cycles to Bobbili, a small town 4km away to fetch a doctor immediately. There was no medical man in our tiny village Gunnathota Valasa. Clinic was a far cry.

My mother, adding to the trouble, started complaining of labor pains. My aunts and other ladies prevented her from knowing my father’s condition but promptly shifted her to a neighbor’s house on some pretext for having her delivery. An old, experienced village mid-wife was attending on her.

As the day progressed, my father’s condition became worse. Doctors from town were kept on being brought, in Tongas and bullock carts. My village had no motorable road. Doctors gave injections; people who knew administrated massages but in vain. There was no improvement. The patient was not in a condition to be moved and taken to the town hospital.

As a puzzled kid, I kept running from father’s sick bed to mother’s delivery room in the next house and was peeping through peoples legs; even though I got thorough scolding and slaps for coming in the way.

Our small house was brimming with villagers, doctors and those who came to see or help. Some women were already sobbing!

I could not comprehend a thing! I bunked the school but no one bothered. By evening, there was a baby cry in my mother’s labor room and some aunt patted me on my head and said that I just got a sister. There was no joy when she said it. Everyone was so preoccupied. I could not comprehend a bit.

Minutes later, as the darkness of night was looming large, there was a big commotion and loud wailing of women. My father was declared dead. I did not cry. I did not understand what it meant.

It was my first experience of a death. It was also my first experience of a birth. What an irony! One life comes into the world, another life leaves it. We blame the irony, not appreciating the natures beautiful way of balancing life.

But at that age I was too young to understand anything. “Will I sleep with my father tonight?” was my only thought I had. My father was very helpful to all farmers and field labourers and thus liked by not only people of my village but also people of all neighboring villages whose fields were next to ours. As the news of my father’s death spread, people from all neighboring villages thronged, filling our courtyard and spilling on to the streets and beyond, though it was already night.

Most of them came walking barefoot; few came in cycles, bullock carts, holding oil torches, hurricane lantarms, and battery lights. The village had no electricity. As it was the custom, the body was moved to the front yard and put on ground on a husk mattress. An oil lamp was lit on the head side in the direction of South. Devotional bhajans were organized to keep the vigil through the night.

Dumbstruck and totally ignored, I moved here and there thoroughly lost. Hungry but whom could I ask? Exhausted and aimless I fell off to sleep in some remote corner on the floor.

I felt like an orphan.

I woke up at dawn next day with the din of death ritual arrangements and increased loud wailing. Some relative noticed me at last, hugged me, cried and gave a glass of butter milk with starch water. I was hungry and gulped it without a word.

My mother was heartbroken as she got the news, she silently and uncontrollably kept weeping in the neighbor’s house. She was not allowed to see my father’s body. She was in her twenties being the second wife of my father, who divorced the first wife since she was barren.

Elaborate death rituals started. Bathing the body, sandal paste application, new clothing, garlands of flowers, bamboo stretcher, loud wailing, toms-toms, drums and mantras – the diversions to grief took place. People competed in carrying his bamboo stretcher on their shoulders. The funeral procession was the biggest I have so far seen in my life. It was like the Ratha-Yatra of Lord Jagannath.

Some relatives held me back from running after the procession to the cremation ground. I wailed and rolled on the ground but in vain.

I ran to my mother’s delivery room. My innocent baby sister was lying next to her but no one bothered to even acknowledge her birth! I kept staring at the tiny bundle of flesh. I was afraid to go near!

I overheard some aunt condemning the innocent new born saying “This girl is born and, devoured her father. What a devil? Chee!”

How cruel we are? I felt like beating up who ever said that. But I could not. I simply ran away far, far from that place!

THE MUSIC OF SILENCE

 

“When I am with you (talking) we stay up all night. When you are not there I can't get to sleep. Praise god for these two insomnias! And the difference between them" 

                                                                                        - Jalaluddin Rumi”

·        I have no idea why I called my blog spot “Silent Music” about a decade ago when I started it.

·        Early this month, I am trying to reach my spot and Google takes me to the news spot with headlines “His Music Fell Silent” about the star vocalist Pandit Jasraj’s demise. What?!!

I stand-up instantly and observe two minutes of silence; in my room, alone. There is no one around.

Being one among his million fans, the Panditji didn’t even know that I exist.

·        Last month, in Ahmadabad, the homely, Govan, “La Bella” restaurant owner, Mrs. Fernandes died. In the beginning years of NID, she used to feed the hungry NID students, with love and accepted whatever they gave. The touching fact is that till her death last month, the old lady had been lighting a candle every day without fail for the students well being of these students.

Surprisingly the students were not even aware of it.

·        While I was teaching at NID; everyday a bunch of wild flowers used to greet me on my table, as I enter my office room. It was not done by any staff or worker. I enquired but got nothing beyond “some student”. By the sensitivity of flower arrangement, I felt that it was by a girl student. She wanted to be anonymous. I wanted to thank her for making my day colorful and fragrant.

But I never discovered who that wonderful person doing this was.

·        While I was teaching at NIFT, Hyderabad as adjunct professor, I used to stay in the campus and in those days there was no canteen in the campus. A student used to replace the rubbish of sandwiches provided, every morning, with fresh Tiffin from home.

For a long time, I didn’t know who the person was.

·        Presently, as soon as I get up each day morning, I go to my dog called “Coffee” who is sleeping in “Upadhyaya’s chair comfortably; and pat her. If any day I do not pat, I miss her and keep thinking of her the whole day.

The lazy one would hardly move her tail when I pat. I stopped expecting.

·        In my recent book “Design Values”, I left two blank pages in memory of my sweet friend Suresh Immanuel. This fact was not printed in the book deliberately, just like the upside –down line drawing of a baby, in the book. I prefer subtlety.

The world does not know about the blank pages. Only I know.

·        Two blank pages, two minutes of silence, a pat, a candle, a bunch of flowers!

Plain silly and useless!

Who gives a damn?

Does it really make any difference?

I don’t know!

To me, somehow it does! Verily.

NOT A BETRAYAL

 

I consider a betrayal is worse than a murder.

Many of my students confide in me and share their life’s darkest secrets with me. I listen to them like a counselor, advice if any but maintain absolute confidentiality. I highly value the trust they bestow on me and I shall never think of breaking that trust even if I have to die for it. Knowingly I never did and will never ever do.

Let me talk of another experience:

In 2019, I accepted a job offer as a part time dean of a start up academy; Aram Centre for Art Design and Environmental studies. I believed in my friends and joined it, not knowing that it would turn out to be a big blunder.

Being in Design education for half a century, I built a little good reputation and 36 students joined Aram Center inspite of the academy having absolutely no credentials, no building, no degree and no infrastructure at all. Just the trust in my name and my ability to give good education! It was a voluntary act. I did not ask any of them to join.

Unfortunately, before the first semester ended, the trustees fought so bitterly that the Aram Center collapsed. My desperate and very best efforts to save it went in vain. My salary for 3 months was not paid. So was the case with many other employees of Aram.

My deepest worry was not my salary but the fate of my students. 70% of the total number of students joined were lateral entry type in their third year who had left a long standing design school. They had joined Aram Center totally believing in me. Where should they go now? They cannot go back. I was shattered.

My friends started another design school and invited me to join. I declined politely. Where is the guarantee that it will not end up like the earlier one? How can I play with the poor students lives? Once bitten, twice shy. I could not join another school started by the same trustees nor could recommend it to the “hanging midway” students and their parents.

I tried to help every student to relocate and get admitted in a well established quality design school. I am not sure if it worked but that was my most sincere effort at damage control and my heartfelt concern.

 I don’t know what else I could have done. I was absolutely helpless.

Believing in my captainship of educational excellence, people walked into my boat and the unexpected storm sunk my boat with me in it.

A betrayal is willful breaking of a trust. This was not it. Yet, I feel very sorry for what happened to the students and my role in it.

Every Saturday, when I fast, I silently pray God for compensating them to offset the damage.

Rootless and Routeless: Driving of the present youth to Schizophrenia

We live in the era of trolling; incels, internet bullying and on-line aggression.

An era where self violence and rudeness are considered normal. An era where “I don’t care a hoot” attitude projection, topped with foul mouthing is seen by young people as the “cool” thing.

Behind this “cool thing” pretence, there are incessant tears in the bath room untold to anyone; just welling up.  A pathetic secret of mental illness. This secret is not shared even with parents / blood relations nor treated by any counsellor for the fear of social stigma. Thus it gets fermented inside the individual. Many young people are victims of this secret and being unable to bear this trauma, they strongly want deliverance by death.

 But committing suicide is not so easy; it requires tremendous courage to do as well as means to facilitate like poison or a gun. So they desperately invite death by wishing to be killed by another person, or by an accident like car hitting them from behind, or falling from speeding train, accidental tripping from the terrace or the ceiling fan falling on the head killing them instantly. I cannot bear to think what if in the accident they don’t die instantly but survive with terrible consequences. May God forbid!

 This is the face of mental illness.

Paradoxically most victims are young, extremely bright, creative and beautiful people. The brighter one has more chances of mental problems because brightness is a quality of people who know more and think more. Creativity on the other hand, thrives on a very high emotional sensitivity and thus creative people are more vulnerable to depression. Remember Vincent Van Gogh, the world famous artist? He tried several times to kill himself. Brightness with creativity is a sure double danger.

Lets us now turn our focus on our country, India.

Research findings say that the menace of growing mental illness among Indian youth today is very grave indeed and its prevalence is much more in South India than in other parts of India. Why is this so?

The reason could be that South India being a more conservative society there is greater conflict between modernity and deeper religious and cultural roots, which make one prone to bipolarity. Since birth the South Indian child is made to live in and cope with two totally different “poles apart” worlds. One world is the home connecting to the local community around while the other is the school and the Social Media connecting to the global community out there. As a result, the poor child grows up to adolescence juggling with both theses contradicting situations or poles as I call them, as below.

Pole 1 : At Home and in the                               Pole 2: At School and in the

Community                                                                         Social Media

Speak Tamil / local language              -           Speak English language

Traditional Rituals / beliefs                 -           Scientific thinking / logic

Decent language                                   -           Four letter words and crude language

Carnatic music                                      -           Western music

Celebacy as virtue                                 -           Explicit sex as fashionable

Draw / view (Kolam )                          -           Draw / view (Manga) comics for adventure

Local art for peace and calm                         and thrill

Lasting commitment in relations       -           Casual in relations: Hi - bye

Wear body covering loose dress        -           Wear body hugging tight / exposing dress

Respect to experience and age           -           Respect to knowledge and energy

Slow and steady                                   -           Fast and constant hopping

Patient nurturing over time              -           Instant gratification

Stable with Strong anchoring           -           Free with vast open space

Mythology filled mind                        -           Materialistic, pragmatic mind

Theosophy (belief in God)                  -           Atheism (No belief in God)

Spiritualism of East                             -           Existentialism of West

“Surrender to the ultimate and happy -    “We are condemned to be free”:  

in being one with all” : Sankaracharya      Jean Paul Sartre

 

I merely wish to point out the existence of these conflicting worlds. I do not support any.  It is up to the person to choose one. Not able to choose and oscillating in between the two is the mental conflict. We must well understand that riding two horses simultaneously is not only very traumatic but it is impending disaster.

The Indian youth who is born into Pole I, is uprooted as he/she grows up and inevitably, drawn into the overwhelming free mental space of pole II. There he / she gets totally lost. Western Philosopher Jean Paul Sartre’s phrase “condemned” is what is eventually happens with young people. They are lost souls.

 

The eastern philosophers suggest individual merging with the ultimate. They are merged souls.  Persian poet Philosopher Rumi metaphorically echoes the same ideology saying, “let go little drop, you will be secure in the ocean”.

The pull of individualism over the restrained collectivism is too great. The emerging free individualism is affecting another basic human need; love. There is desperate search for love, the most fundamental need of man. But love by nature is “inter- dependent” which is the opposite of “individualism”. One cannot scratch ones back all by oneself; while two people mutually can do that happily and easily as a win-win for both.

If the rift between the two poles started the crisis, the new technology only deepened it. The “information overload” of the age of internet and smart phone has robbed us of real experience, time and personal contact in preference to cold impersonal information. Thus the young are driven to a traumatic situation where there are no roots to stand firm and no route that they are confident to take. Everything seems tentative and meaningless pushing one inevitably towards suicide; to end such traumatic and meaningless life.

What is the solution? There are no easy answers. But don’t we know that understanding an issue clearly is half the solution?

The choices are between absolute freedom and collectivision between individualism and inter-dependence, and between information abundance through technology and real experience through personal contact. 

a beautiful relationship

 

There are two situations in any relationship 

one is care and commitment.

Second is get and forget.

The first is mutually supporting and caring for the other person. Not only care and respect and consideration for the good of the other person but also for all things connected to her/him. It is giving. It is commitment. It is commitment in the sense that the caring concern is lasting and enduring and not just momentary. This is what is true love. 

 The second situation is exploitative of the other person. Get whatever you can from the other person and forget about her/him. Exploit his/ her love for you and squeeze whatever you can, without caring a hoot for the harm to the other person now and in future. There is no consideration for her/his people connected and eventual difficulties. It is “Just momentary”, like the one night stands. This is what is Outrage.

  

 I was designing furniture for a huge college. During my information research, I came across a scratched graffiti on the student’s desk. Knowing that Graffiti is uninhibited, free expression of people, i read carefully and one of the scratches said – ‘Will you catch me if I fall for you?” To me this reflected the biggest question in every youths mind today. In real love you catch the other person with soft flowers to cushion her/ him. In deceptive love you let the other person fall at your feet and make her/ him your cushion. such situation applies to any relationship between two entities. If we apply the same situation to mans relationship with nature we have a true idea of sustainability. All the present problems of ecology – pollution, global warming, environmental degradation etc are a result of mans exploitative relationship with nature. we get whatever we can, in whatever way we can from nature and conveniently forget her. no consideration for her replenishment and no consideration for other beings who share her/part of her and their need to exist. This attitude has come to us from capitalist countries where selfishness is celebrated and success is measured in terms of materialistic wealth, without caring for all that is connected to us and without caring for long time implications lying ahead. thus we continually outrage nature, squeezing every bit, accumulating a lot and wasting most. when nature cries in pain, we complain. We complain about weather change, earthquakes and tsunamis. what else can we expect? As long as we are in the love relationship with nature, we are very happy as we care for each other and have lasting relationship. 

 India has great tradition of love and care both in personal relationships and in ecological relationships. It is an attitude. If you have it, you have it in whatever you do. bicycle still is largely used by common man in India. I look at the Great Hindu epic Ramayana as a love story. Sage Valmiki one day observed a pair of Crouncha birds, making love. When one of them was killed by a hunter, the other bird did not fly away but hovered around the other dead one crying pitiously. This incident moved and inspired the sage to write Ramayana, which is the story of separated couple. At one level it is man to woman relationship where the commitment succeeds. At another level it is man to nature relationship where the success of man is entirely due to his loving relationship with monkeys, respect to the ocean and help of the mountain 'sanjeevani'. 

 Our tradition is to worship trees, plants, birds, animals and even insects. it is so because Hinduism so long ago realized the interconnectedness in nature of all beings, what we call today grandly as ecological balance. When a tribal needs wood to build his hut, he selects a tree, but before cutting prays her to forgive him for taking away her life for his selfish need. he prays to all birds and insects living on or under the tree to forgive him for taking away their home to build his home. What a beautiful respect and care for others in an illiterate tribal!

 This is really high culture. Such concern for others is harmony and love. if you don't respect the other, you are uncultured. Such sustainability is vitally required today in our relationship with nature as well as in our personal relationships with others if we wish for an enduring, lasting happiness and peace in our lives. Most of our mental and physical miseries are because of our failure to do so. it is not just a matter of saving petrol or saving trees. it is this larger understanding of the beautiful relationship and reverence to it is the need of today.

*****             ********             *******         *********                ********             *********8

 

 Short story 

THE ELLIPSE: Confessions of a teacher

Geometry, for most students, is the most hated subject in any school.

I like challenges.  So, I volunteered to teach GC (Geometrical Construction, a boring name) at NID( national institute of design).

The challenge I imposed on myself was to make geometry the most loved subject.

I was 30 minus. Unmarried and full of passion for teaching.

She was 18 plus. Student from Orissa and full of attitude.

Why not?

Young. Tall. A lighter shade of lovely brown; with a pair of large; intelligent eyes. Fresher.

I was teaching to draw ellipse that day.

Ellipse is my favorite among all regular forms. It is better than circle in the same way a rectangle is better than square. Less boring.

Like the divine proportion is better than the mean.

Its construction involves the precise use of instruments and proper method; at the start but the finishing has to be done with free hand.

That is the toughest part.

That is the fun part.

 That is the beauty part.

Niti was among the first few students to show their sheets of construction to me.

I took one look at the sheaf of drawing sheets and said “go, redo” without even looking at her face. I know she was much capable than that.

Silently she went away. Two hours later, she came back with fresh set.

I examined the sheets. Better. Better than the rest. But not her best.

I looked up at her and said “Look, you got to put your heart in what you do. Why don’t you try harder? Too Lazy?”I was almost rude. She was hurt. Her silence told me.

Another two hours, another bout of hard work and more sheets.

Then, she stood in front of me with a confidence that said “I am better than the others. I know it. What is your problem, Mister teacher?”

I carefully scrutinized her work. Used a magnifying glass.

Good. But I wanted to push her to her utmost limits, all the way.

I sighed, put the papers away, and put on a disgusted tone. “Leave it now. There is no use. You are capable but not willing to sweat. Go and rest. I will give you a complete”

She sharply retorted, “What do you mean?”

“I meant what I said. You can draw far better, if only you are willing try hard enough, perhaps draw ten times. May be twenty. But no. You are happy with comparing with the rest. You are not willing to walk the extra mile to reach your best. You will go nowhere. I am sure of it”

She gave me such a stare. The stare of a wounded tigress. “I will show you tomorrow morning” “I bet you will not”. I had cut her short.  “If you prove me wrong, I will treat you for an ice cream. But I am sure you will loose. Just go and sleep”. It was evening and the class ended.

I could not sleep well that night. Late into the night a howling phone woke me. As soon as I lifted the receiver, the hostel security fellow screamed.

“Sir Sir! Miss Niti jumped from 4^th floor Sir. There is blood pool. She is dead. Come fast Sir. Very terrible Sir”

I was shocking. The phone dropped from my hands. I jumped up from my bed and realized it was just a dream, Thank God!

**************************

Next day in the morning, the moment I entered the class room she came straight to my table. A huge pile of drawing sheets was dumped on my table. Thump!!

Her face angry, hair in dis-array; the eyes blood red. I never saw her like that.

“She was awake the whole night and drawing; she did not even have the breakfast in the morning” Her hostel mates informed me.

I examined the sheets. I could not believe what I saw. I had never seen such beautiful ellipses.

My eyes were moist, I was really touched. With an apologetic smile, I said, “Wow, there you are. Perfect. You win. I shall treat you to any ice cream you want. Let us go to the parlor”

Silence.

She looked hard at me; piercingly.

Turned back, without even touching the pile of drawing sheets she sweated over the whole night. “No” she said quietly yet firmly. “I hate you” mumbled to herself.

When I looked up she was not there.