THE MUSIC OF SILENCE

 

“When I am with you (talking) we stay up all night. When you are not there I can't get to sleep. Praise god for these two insomnias! And the difference between them" 

                                                                                        - Jalaluddin Rumi”

·        I have no idea why I called my blog spot “Silent Music” about a decade ago when I started it.

·        Early this month, I am trying to reach my spot and Google takes me to the news spot with headlines “His Music Fell Silent” about the star vocalist Pandit Jasraj’s demise. What?!!

I stand-up instantly and observe two minutes of silence; in my room, alone. There is no one around.

Being one among his million fans, the Panditji didn’t even know that I exist.

·        Last month, in Ahmadabad, the homely, Govan, “La Bella” restaurant owner, Mrs. Fernandes died. In the beginning years of NID, she used to feed the hungry NID students, with love and accepted whatever they gave. The touching fact is that till her death last month, the old lady had been lighting a candle every day without fail for the students well being of these students.

Surprisingly the students were not even aware of it.

·        While I was teaching at NID; everyday a bunch of wild flowers used to greet me on my table, as I enter my office room. It was not done by any staff or worker. I enquired but got nothing beyond “some student”. By the sensitivity of flower arrangement, I felt that it was by a girl student. She wanted to be anonymous. I wanted to thank her for making my day colorful and fragrant.

But I never discovered who that wonderful person doing this was.

·        While I was teaching at NIFT, Hyderabad as adjunct professor, I used to stay in the campus and in those days there was no canteen in the campus. A student used to replace the rubbish of sandwiches provided, every morning, with fresh Tiffin from home.

For a long time, I didn’t know who the person was.

·        Presently, as soon as I get up each day morning, I go to my dog called “Coffee” who is sleeping in “Upadhyaya’s chair comfortably; and pat her. If any day I do not pat, I miss her and keep thinking of her the whole day.

The lazy one would hardly move her tail when I pat. I stopped expecting.

·        In my recent book “Design Values”, I left two blank pages in memory of my sweet friend Suresh Immanuel. This fact was not printed in the book deliberately, just like the upside –down line drawing of a baby, in the book. I prefer subtlety.

The world does not know about the blank pages. Only I know.

·        Two blank pages, two minutes of silence, a pat, a candle, a bunch of flowers!

Plain silly and useless!

Who gives a damn?

Does it really make any difference?

I don’t know!

To me, somehow it does! Verily.

NOT A BETRAYAL

 

I consider a betrayal is worse than a murder.

Many of my students confide in me and share their life’s darkest secrets with me. I listen to them like a counselor, advice if any but maintain absolute confidentiality. I highly value the trust they bestow on me and I shall never think of breaking that trust even if I have to die for it. Knowingly I never did and will never ever do.

Let me talk of another experience:

In 2019, I accepted a job offer as a part time dean of a start up academy; Aram Centre for Art Design and Environmental studies. I believed in my friends and joined it, not knowing that it would turn out to be a big blunder.

Being in Design education for half a century, I built a little good reputation and 36 students joined Aram Center inspite of the academy having absolutely no credentials, no building, no degree and no infrastructure at all. Just the trust in my name and my ability to give good education! It was a voluntary act. I did not ask any of them to join.

Unfortunately, before the first semester ended, the trustees fought so bitterly that the Aram Center collapsed. My desperate and very best efforts to save it went in vain. My salary for 3 months was not paid. So was the case with many other employees of Aram.

My deepest worry was not my salary but the fate of my students. 70% of the total number of students joined were lateral entry type in their third year who had left a long standing design school. They had joined Aram Center totally believing in me. Where should they go now? They cannot go back. I was shattered.

My friends started another design school and invited me to join. I declined politely. Where is the guarantee that it will not end up like the earlier one? How can I play with the poor students lives? Once bitten, twice shy. I could not join another school started by the same trustees nor could recommend it to the “hanging midway” students and their parents.

I tried to help every student to relocate and get admitted in a well established quality design school. I am not sure if it worked but that was my most sincere effort at damage control and my heartfelt concern.

 I don’t know what else I could have done. I was absolutely helpless.

Believing in my captainship of educational excellence, people walked into my boat and the unexpected storm sunk my boat with me in it.

A betrayal is willful breaking of a trust. This was not it. Yet, I feel very sorry for what happened to the students and my role in it.

Every Saturday, when I fast, I silently pray God for compensating them to offset the damage.

Rootless and Routeless: Driving of the present youth to Schizophrenia

We live in the era of trolling; incels, internet bullying and on-line aggression.

An era where self violence and rudeness are considered normal. An era where “I don’t care a hoot” attitude projection, topped with foul mouthing is seen by young people as the “cool” thing.

Behind this “cool thing” pretence, there are incessant tears in the bath room untold to anyone; just welling up.  A pathetic secret of mental illness. This secret is not shared even with parents / blood relations nor treated by any counsellor for the fear of social stigma. Thus it gets fermented inside the individual. Many young people are victims of this secret and being unable to bear this trauma, they strongly want deliverance by death.

 But committing suicide is not so easy; it requires tremendous courage to do as well as means to facilitate like poison or a gun. So they desperately invite death by wishing to be killed by another person, or by an accident like car hitting them from behind, or falling from speeding train, accidental tripping from the terrace or the ceiling fan falling on the head killing them instantly. I cannot bear to think what if in the accident they don’t die instantly but survive with terrible consequences. May God forbid!

 This is the face of mental illness.

Paradoxically most victims are young, extremely bright, creative and beautiful people. The brighter one has more chances of mental problems because brightness is a quality of people who know more and think more. Creativity on the other hand, thrives on a very high emotional sensitivity and thus creative people are more vulnerable to depression. Remember Vincent Van Gogh, the world famous artist? He tried several times to kill himself. Brightness with creativity is a sure double danger.

Lets us now turn our focus on our country, India.

Research findings say that the menace of growing mental illness among Indian youth today is very grave indeed and its prevalence is much more in South India than in other parts of India. Why is this so?

The reason could be that South India being a more conservative society there is greater conflict between modernity and deeper religious and cultural roots, which make one prone to bipolarity. Since birth the South Indian child is made to live in and cope with two totally different “poles apart” worlds. One world is the home connecting to the local community around while the other is the school and the Social Media connecting to the global community out there. As a result, the poor child grows up to adolescence juggling with both theses contradicting situations or poles as I call them, as below.

Pole 1 : At Home and in the                               Pole 2: At School and in the

Community                                                                         Social Media

Speak Tamil / local language              -           Speak English language

Traditional Rituals / beliefs                 -           Scientific thinking / logic

Decent language                                   -           Four letter words and crude language

Carnatic music                                      -           Western music

Celebacy as virtue                                 -           Explicit sex as fashionable

Draw / view (Kolam )                          -           Draw / view (Manga) comics for adventure

Local art for peace and calm                         and thrill

Lasting commitment in relations       -           Casual in relations: Hi - bye

Wear body covering loose dress        -           Wear body hugging tight / exposing dress

Respect to experience and age           -           Respect to knowledge and energy

Slow and steady                                   -           Fast and constant hopping

Patient nurturing over time              -           Instant gratification

Stable with Strong anchoring           -           Free with vast open space

Mythology filled mind                        -           Materialistic, pragmatic mind

Theosophy (belief in God)                  -           Atheism (No belief in God)

Spiritualism of East                             -           Existentialism of West

“Surrender to the ultimate and happy -    “We are condemned to be free”:  

in being one with all” : Sankaracharya      Jean Paul Sartre

 

I merely wish to point out the existence of these conflicting worlds. I do not support any.  It is up to the person to choose one. Not able to choose and oscillating in between the two is the mental conflict. We must well understand that riding two horses simultaneously is not only very traumatic but it is impending disaster.

The Indian youth who is born into Pole I, is uprooted as he/she grows up and inevitably, drawn into the overwhelming free mental space of pole II. There he / she gets totally lost. Western Philosopher Jean Paul Sartre’s phrase “condemned” is what is eventually happens with young people. They are lost souls.

 

The eastern philosophers suggest individual merging with the ultimate. They are merged souls.  Persian poet Philosopher Rumi metaphorically echoes the same ideology saying, “let go little drop, you will be secure in the ocean”.

The pull of individualism over the restrained collectivism is too great. The emerging free individualism is affecting another basic human need; love. There is desperate search for love, the most fundamental need of man. But love by nature is “inter- dependent” which is the opposite of “individualism”. One cannot scratch ones back all by oneself; while two people mutually can do that happily and easily as a win-win for both.

If the rift between the two poles started the crisis, the new technology only deepened it. The “information overload” of the age of internet and smart phone has robbed us of real experience, time and personal contact in preference to cold impersonal information. Thus the young are driven to a traumatic situation where there are no roots to stand firm and no route that they are confident to take. Everything seems tentative and meaningless pushing one inevitably towards suicide; to end such traumatic and meaningless life.

What is the solution? There are no easy answers. But don’t we know that understanding an issue clearly is half the solution?

The choices are between absolute freedom and collectivision between individualism and inter-dependence, and between information abundance through technology and real experience through personal contact. 

a beautiful relationship

 

There are two situations in any relationship 

one is care and commitment.

Second is get and forget.

The first is mutually supporting and caring for the other person. Not only care and respect and consideration for the good of the other person but also for all things connected to her/him. It is giving. It is commitment. It is commitment in the sense that the caring concern is lasting and enduring and not just momentary. This is what is true love. 

 The second situation is exploitative of the other person. Get whatever you can from the other person and forget about her/him. Exploit his/ her love for you and squeeze whatever you can, without caring a hoot for the harm to the other person now and in future. There is no consideration for her/his people connected and eventual difficulties. It is “Just momentary”, like the one night stands. This is what is Outrage.

  

 I was designing furniture for a huge college. During my information research, I came across a scratched graffiti on the student’s desk. Knowing that Graffiti is uninhibited, free expression of people, i read carefully and one of the scratches said – ‘Will you catch me if I fall for you?” To me this reflected the biggest question in every youths mind today. In real love you catch the other person with soft flowers to cushion her/ him. In deceptive love you let the other person fall at your feet and make her/ him your cushion. such situation applies to any relationship between two entities. If we apply the same situation to mans relationship with nature we have a true idea of sustainability. All the present problems of ecology – pollution, global warming, environmental degradation etc are a result of mans exploitative relationship with nature. we get whatever we can, in whatever way we can from nature and conveniently forget her. no consideration for her replenishment and no consideration for other beings who share her/part of her and their need to exist. This attitude has come to us from capitalist countries where selfishness is celebrated and success is measured in terms of materialistic wealth, without caring for all that is connected to us and without caring for long time implications lying ahead. thus we continually outrage nature, squeezing every bit, accumulating a lot and wasting most. when nature cries in pain, we complain. We complain about weather change, earthquakes and tsunamis. what else can we expect? As long as we are in the love relationship with nature, we are very happy as we care for each other and have lasting relationship. 

 India has great tradition of love and care both in personal relationships and in ecological relationships. It is an attitude. If you have it, you have it in whatever you do. bicycle still is largely used by common man in India. I look at the Great Hindu epic Ramayana as a love story. Sage Valmiki one day observed a pair of Crouncha birds, making love. When one of them was killed by a hunter, the other bird did not fly away but hovered around the other dead one crying pitiously. This incident moved and inspired the sage to write Ramayana, which is the story of separated couple. At one level it is man to woman relationship where the commitment succeeds. At another level it is man to nature relationship where the success of man is entirely due to his loving relationship with monkeys, respect to the ocean and help of the mountain 'sanjeevani'. 

 Our tradition is to worship trees, plants, birds, animals and even insects. it is so because Hinduism so long ago realized the interconnectedness in nature of all beings, what we call today grandly as ecological balance. When a tribal needs wood to build his hut, he selects a tree, but before cutting prays her to forgive him for taking away her life for his selfish need. he prays to all birds and insects living on or under the tree to forgive him for taking away their home to build his home. What a beautiful respect and care for others in an illiterate tribal!

 This is really high culture. Such concern for others is harmony and love. if you don't respect the other, you are uncultured. Such sustainability is vitally required today in our relationship with nature as well as in our personal relationships with others if we wish for an enduring, lasting happiness and peace in our lives. Most of our mental and physical miseries are because of our failure to do so. it is not just a matter of saving petrol or saving trees. it is this larger understanding of the beautiful relationship and reverence to it is the need of today.

*****             ********             *******         *********                ********             *********8

 

 Short story 

THE ELLIPSE: Confessions of a teacher

Geometry, for most students, is the most hated subject in any school.

I like challenges.  So, I volunteered to teach GC (Geometrical Construction, a boring name) at NID( national institute of design).

The challenge I imposed on myself was to make geometry the most loved subject.

I was 30 minus. Unmarried and full of passion for teaching.

She was 18 plus. Student from Orissa and full of attitude.

Why not?

Young. Tall. A lighter shade of lovely brown; with a pair of large; intelligent eyes. Fresher.

I was teaching to draw ellipse that day.

Ellipse is my favorite among all regular forms. It is better than circle in the same way a rectangle is better than square. Less boring.

Like the divine proportion is better than the mean.

Its construction involves the precise use of instruments and proper method; at the start but the finishing has to be done with free hand.

That is the toughest part.

That is the fun part.

 That is the beauty part.

Niti was among the first few students to show their sheets of construction to me.

I took one look at the sheaf of drawing sheets and said “go, redo” without even looking at her face. I know she was much capable than that.

Silently she went away. Two hours later, she came back with fresh set.

I examined the sheets. Better. Better than the rest. But not her best.

I looked up at her and said “Look, you got to put your heart in what you do. Why don’t you try harder? Too Lazy?”I was almost rude. She was hurt. Her silence told me.

Another two hours, another bout of hard work and more sheets.

Then, she stood in front of me with a confidence that said “I am better than the others. I know it. What is your problem, Mister teacher?”

I carefully scrutinized her work. Used a magnifying glass.

Good. But I wanted to push her to her utmost limits, all the way.

I sighed, put the papers away, and put on a disgusted tone. “Leave it now. There is no use. You are capable but not willing to sweat. Go and rest. I will give you a complete”

She sharply retorted, “What do you mean?”

“I meant what I said. You can draw far better, if only you are willing try hard enough, perhaps draw ten times. May be twenty. But no. You are happy with comparing with the rest. You are not willing to walk the extra mile to reach your best. You will go nowhere. I am sure of it”

She gave me such a stare. The stare of a wounded tigress. “I will show you tomorrow morning” “I bet you will not”. I had cut her short.  “If you prove me wrong, I will treat you for an ice cream. But I am sure you will loose. Just go and sleep”. It was evening and the class ended.

I could not sleep well that night. Late into the night a howling phone woke me. As soon as I lifted the receiver, the hostel security fellow screamed.

“Sir Sir! Miss Niti jumped from 4^th floor Sir. There is blood pool. She is dead. Come fast Sir. Very terrible Sir”

I was shocking. The phone dropped from my hands. I jumped up from my bed and realized it was just a dream, Thank God!

**************************

Next day in the morning, the moment I entered the class room she came straight to my table. A huge pile of drawing sheets was dumped on my table. Thump!!

Her face angry, hair in dis-array; the eyes blood red. I never saw her like that.

“She was awake the whole night and drawing; she did not even have the breakfast in the morning” Her hostel mates informed me.

I examined the sheets. I could not believe what I saw. I had never seen such beautiful ellipses.

My eyes were moist, I was really touched. With an apologetic smile, I said, “Wow, there you are. Perfect. You win. I shall treat you to any ice cream you want. Let us go to the parlor”

Silence.

She looked hard at me; piercingly.

Turned back, without even touching the pile of drawing sheets she sweated over the whole night. “No” she said quietly yet firmly. “I hate you” mumbled to herself.

When I looked up she was not there.